As you know, I hate shoppin’. I’d rather jump off a cliff with a firecracker up my nose than go shoppin’, but if I don’t buy “you know who” somethin’ for Christmas, it makes for a really bad New Year.
Anywho, a few weeks ago, I was out of town and drove by a huge mall. I had a little time on my hands so I figured I could run in, grab somethin’ for Janet for Christmas, and be done with it.
Man, I had to park about 14 miles from the place, and by the time I’d walked to the mall entrance, I was worn out.
You wouldn’t believe how many people were in that place. There must have been a jillion. More than half of them were waitin’ to see Santa Claus. I skipped Santa and went into this huge department store. I hadn’t got in there good, when I was attacked by a bunch of women tryin’ to sell stuff.
I’m usually a sucker for good smellin’, pretty women, but I’d made my mind up that I wasn’t goin’ to be a “victim” to their wiles. I pushed through the hoard of females, leavin’ them in my wake. I was feelin’ pretty proud of myself, when I was blind-sided.
“Excuse me sir,” a pretty voice said.
“I’m just lookin’,” I said as I turned to see whom the voice belonged to. “Wow,” I thought to myself. Boy howdy, was she pretty. “Whoa boy,” I said to myself. I swallowed hard.
“May I ask just one little ol’ question?” she asked.
“Well shucks,” I said as I kicked the floor with my foot. “I don’t see how one little ol’ question would hurt.”
Then she showed me a men’s magazine with a half-naked man on the cover. “How would you like to have a body like this?” she asked. The fellow on that magazine had muscles in places I didn’t even know muscles existed. I smiled at her.
“What makes you think I don’t?” I said and I raised my eyebrows a couple of times.
“Hah. That’s a good one,” she said. “Seriously,” she continued, as she pointed at the man on the magazine. “How would like a rippled stomach like this?”
“Ripples, huh?” I said. “Lady, you can thump my stomach and watch it make full grown waves.”
“Seriously,” she said again. “Wouldn’t your wife be surprised if you came home with a body like this?”
“The only way I could get a body like that,” I informed her,” would be for somebody to cut my head off and glue it on one.”
She smiled. “What about makeup then?”
“No thanks,” I said. “My wife buys that junk herself. I wouldn’t know what to get her.”
“Oh,” she said. “I wasn’t talking about her. I was talking about for you.”
“For me? Makeup? For men?”
“Oh, yes sir. These days a lot of men are wearing makeup.”
“Not any I hang around with,” I said.
“Please, have a seat here,” she said. “Look in this mirror.”
I sat down and looked at myself in the mirror, as I tried to figure out how to get myself out of this one.
“We have a base that will cover these,” she said as she pointed to my liver spots. “And we can make that scar on your cheek less noticeable. And we really need to do something with those eyebrows, and oh, there’s another scar. And look at all those wrinkles. You would be a challenge, but I’m willing to give it a try.”
Now, I had been feelin’ pretty good about myself until she said all of that.
“We could make you look like a different man. Wouldn’t that be a nice Christmas present for your wife?”
“Listen lady,” I said. “I’m pretty sure my wife would love a different man for Christmas, but she would probably rather it not be me. And as for these scars and wrinkles; I earned every one of them, although I can’t remember how.”
I stood and thanked her, then walked away. I had done it. I said no to a saleslady. I was cured. I would no longer be a “victim.” Then, I felt someone grab onto my arm.
“Excuse me sir,” another young lady said. I looked over and there was another one, even prettier than the last.
“Oh my,” she said as she squeezed one of my biceps. “You work out don’t you?”
I reached into my pocket and got out my money clip and handed it to her. There was no sense in prolonging it. I knew that I was beat. Janet’s right. I’m just pathetic.