I was beginning to believe the phone creatures had taken me off of their list. Phone creatures, for you out there who have not been readin’ this junk I write, is what I call those phone solicitors who call you, buggin’ you to buy somethin’.
Like I was sayin’, I haven’t received a call from one of them in a long while. I was startin’ to get worried. What worried me was that I thought I might get rusty (no pun intended) and I would forget what to do.
You see (I’m talkin’ to those new folks out there again), I like to “mess” with the phone creatures. You know, give them a hard time. My wife Janet tells me that this is childish, immature, and cruel.
Well, since she is never wrong, I guess it is. So what? What other fun is a middle aged, bald, bespectacled, hearin’aid wearin’ man suppose to do. I can’t chase women. They run too fast.
Anywho, the other day one finally called.
“Yellow,” I said into the phone receiver. I didn’t hear anything.
“Yellow!” I said louder. Then I heard that click that says to me “I’m a phone creature, let the games begin.”
“May I please speak to the person responsible for paying your long distance bill?” a female voice said.
“You want to talk to Bill?” I said in my old man’s voice.
“No!” said the Creature. “Long distance bill!”
“Bill ain’t here?” I said.
“No sir,” the Creature said loudly.
“Is this his wife?” I asked.
“No sir! I was calling in regard to…”
“I done told him not to be tellin’ you he’s over here when he’s out rompin’ around,” I said. “You need to put a collar on him. He’s worse that an ol’ tom cat.”
“No sir!” she said. “See, this is Shelly Sutton….”
“You want to see my belly button?!” I said.
“Look a here,” I said. “Don’t you go a talkin’ nasty to me, little lady. Hey, is this one of those obscene phone calls I’ve heerd so much about?”
“No sir,” the Creature sighed.
“I ain’t never got one of them,” I said.
“I’ve always thought they wuz pullin’ my leg about obscene phone calls,” I said. “Well, go ahead. Let me have it.”
“Sir you don’t understand.”
“OK,” I said. “You want me to stand.”
“I want to talk about your long distance bill,” she said.
“Leave Bill out of this. You’re makin’ it hard for me to concentrate.”
“Sir,” she yelled. “Is there someone else there I could talk to?”
“Well,” I said. “My wife’s here. But she probably ain’t into this kind of stuff.”
“May I talk to her anyway?” she asked.
“Honey,” I said with my mouth away from the receiver. “There’s a lady on the phone who want’s to talk nasty to you.”
“Sir!” the creature said.
Then I put my mouth back to the receiver and spoke in my lady’s voice. “Hello?” I said sweetly
“Yes Ma’am,” the Creature said. “This is Shelly Sutton with AT&T.”
“You go girl,” I said.
“I beg your pardon,” she said.
“Let me have it,” I said. “Lay it on thick. This isn’t my first obscene phone call, you know.”
“No Ma’am! You don’t understand. This is no obscene phone call.”
“Oh, you’re gonna tease me, huh?”
“Ma’am you’ve got it all wrong,” she cried. “I’m calling about a new long distance service that could save you money.”
“Money?” I questioned. “You have to pay money for an obscene phone call? Are you sure this is legal?”
“Brother,” she said. “And I thought your husband was bad.”
I spoke away from the phone. “Dear,” I said. “She said she wants you real bad.”
“Whoo Boy!” I said in my old man’s voice as if I was across the room.
“Ma’am,” the creature said through what sounded like gritted teeth.
“This is not an obscene phone call,” she said slowly and deliberately. “I am calling about a long distance savings plan. I do not, nor have I ever, made an obscene phone call. Do you understand?”
“You want me to stand?”
“IIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The creature yelled, and then slammed down the phone.
“Hah!” I laughed as I put down the phone. I turned. Yep, there she was; my wife Janet, standin’ in the doorway with one of those looks on her face. You know which look I’m talkin’ about. If you’ve been married over a week you’ve gotten one of those looks.
“What?” I said.
“Obscene phone call?” she asked.
“Phone creature,” I answered.
“Oh really,” she said sarcastically.
“Look,” I said. “They ask for it.”
“Rusty,” she said as if talkin’ to a small child. “Do you believe in Heaven?”
“Of course I do,” I said.
“Do you believe that you will be going there?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well,” she smiled. “Get ready.”