Food for thought: Greatest inventions of all time

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I was havin’ breakfast with one of my buddies a while back, and he made the comment that, in his opinion, the greatest invention ever was soft spread butter.

I know when I looked at him after he made this statement he probably thought that I thought he was crazy, but I didn’t. I was thinkin’ that he may be right.

I pictured the time back when I was a kid, before soft spread butter, tryin’ to butter bread with stick butter. It couldn’t be done without tearin’ the bread. That is, unless you put the butter out long enough for it to soften. By the way, buttered bread was a staple back then.

I’m not talkin’ about brown and serve rolls, crescent rolls, and stuff like that, and I’m not talkin’ about that bread that looks like it has saw dust in it either. I’m talkin’ about plain old light bread, the white kind.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect any of you people out there under 60 years of age to know the name “light bread.’’

Heck, I was in a barbecue joint the other day and ordered a chopped beef sandwich on light bread, and the kid didn’t know what light bread was. He probably doesn’t know what sweet milk is either.

Anywho, back to the buttered bread.

We had buttered bread for nearly every meal, and there wasn’t a limit on buttered bread either. Your mom would let you eat as much as you wanted, as long as you were eatin’ your vegetables.

And back then, buttered bread was good for you. I know, because my momma told me it was.

Well, like I said, soft serve butter is a great invention, no doubt. But, I don’t think it’s the greatest, but it is up there. There are so many great inventions that it would be hard to pick just one.

Now, I’m not talkin’ about inventions, like the wheel, or fire or stuff like that. I know they were great and all of that, but I’m talkin’ about really great inventions. And in my opinion, all of the great ones were food products. Here is a list of some I consider great. They are in no certain order.

Bacon. Need I say more?

Kraft Singles. You know, the cheese. Man what a great invention. Have you ever tried to slice cheese that thin? It’s impossible, unless it’s frozen and you use a band saw. And if the slices are not thick enough for your pleasure, well, then slap another one on.

Hamburgers. Heck, hamburgers have every food group built into one meal. Plus, they are delicious. The only thing they’re missin’ is chocolate. They’re almost the perfect food.

Pop Tarts. I mean, when they came out with Pop Tarts, I thought the age of inventions was over. I mean, how could they come out with somethin’ to beat Pop Tarts? But then they came out with Frosted Pop Tarts. Who cares if they’re not good for you? They’re delicious, and you can either pop them in a toaster, or eat ‘em raw. What a deal!

Tootsie Rolls. Show me a kid who doesn’t like Tootsie Rolls, and I’ll show you a kid that might become a serial killer. Heck, everybody likes Tootsie Rolls.

Atomic Fireballs. For you ignorant out there, Atomic Fireballs are jaw breakers with a kick. If you can hold an Atomic Fireball in your cheek without it burnin’ through to the outside, you’re a tougher character than me.

Moon Pies. You remember I said that hamburgers were almost the perfect food? Well, Moon Pies are the perfect food. They’re like a hamburger with chocolate. Team one up with a R.C. Cola, and it is pure heaven.

Peanuts and Coke. If you’ve never poured a bag of salted peanuts into a bottle of Coke, then you don’t know what a good meal is. I still have this for lunch sometimes when I’m on the road. You get a meal and somethin’ to wash it down with all at the same time. Whoever came up with this, was a genius.

Coco Puffs. I’m cuckoo for Coco Puffs. They are great, plus when you’re through eatin’ them, you’ve got chocolate milk left over in the bowl for dessert.

Vienna sausages. Weenies in a can! What can be more convenient? Who cares what they’re made of? They are wonderful.

Potted meat. I know, it’s an acquired taste, but I acquired it back when I was a kid. A potted meat sandwich with Miracle Whip and sliced sweet pickles is like ambrosia to the gods.

Spaghetti Os. You don’t need to heat them if you don’t want to, or you can drink (yes, I said drink) them right out of the can cold.

Sardines. Give me some soda crackers, and Louisiana hot sauce, and I can make a meal. Who cares what your breath smells like afterwards, it’s worth it, plus, it’ll make your coat shiny.

Soda crackers. They call them “Saltines” now, but they’ll always be soda crackers to me, ‘cause that’s what my daddy called them. Get a couple of soda crackers and you can mash just about anything between them and have a gourmet meal.

Oreos. If someone doesn’t like Oreos, it’s because they’ve never had one. I’m addicted to them. I don’t eat them anymore. I just smash them up and snort them up my nose.

Fried pork skins. What else can I say about them? Nothin’, that’s what, they are perfect.

Chocolate Ice Cream. I mean, it’s ice cream, and it’s chocolate.

Chocolate Pie. It’s pie, and it’s chocolate.

Chocolate Cake. It’s cake, and it’s chocolate.

Chocolate anything. Enough said.

Ketchup. You can make anything taste good with ketchup, even liver. I don’t like that thick kind of ketchup, myself. I want it to pour or squirt out fast. I don’t have time to beat a bottle or shake a squeeze bottle. I’ve got eatin’ to do.

So, now you know what I think the greatest inventions in food products are. Maybe one of these days, I’ll tell you what I think the greatest invention besides food is.

Of course every man knows what this is.

It’s the TV remote control.

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