Well, I guess you know it’s that time of year again. What time is that, you ask? Well, it’s time to go on safari. Now, I’m not talkin’ about just any safari, I’m talkin’ about a grasshopper safari.
I’m sure not many of you have ever heard of a grasshopper safari. The reason I know about it is because I invented it. Oh, I’m sure other people have done the same thing, but nobody ever told me about it. I came up with the idea several years ago while mowing. I say I was mowing. What it really seemed like I was doin’ was herdin’ grasshoppers.
As you may have noticed, every few years or so, there seems to be a bumper crop of grasshoppers. Well, that year I came up with the idea was one of those years.
Now, to go on a grasshopper safari you need a few things. The first, and the most important, is a place to shoot grasshoppers. Fortunately, I live out in the country, so I don’t have to go lookin’ for a place.
That’s one of the reasons I like living out in the country. You see, there are a couple of things I like to do off of my back porch that you can’t do if you live in the city. One of them is shoot guns. I can’t tell you what the other one is because my wife reads this junk and might figure out why that grass is dead back there.
Anywho, after you’ve procured a place to hunt grasshoppers, you need to get a suitable weapon. I use a pellet rifle. I have used a BB gun before, and although it is more challenging, I like the sights on my pellet rifle better. Even better than sights, is to use a scope. That way you can see the little varmints up close and personal.
Next get a good pair of binoculars. You need to have ones that will focus on objects pretty close. After all, you probably won’t be shooting more than 10 or 15 yards off. These binoculars are used to scout the area for your prey.
It’s nice if you have someone to spot the creatures for you, but this is not always possible, because finding someone who’s willing to go on a grasshopper safari with you is not as easy as you would think. Believe it or not, a lot of people think it’s crazy. Really!
Next, if you want you can use a lawn chair. I used to just lie on the ground, but since my yard is now the national breeding ground for fire ants, this is no longer possible. Most of the time I just shoot from a standing position; it’s more challenging. Heck, even a grasshopper deserves a chance.
And now, for the final item, you need an understanding wife. I’m sure this would be a great asset, but I can’t say for sure. I’ve never had that privilege, although once my wife Janet did go on a grasshopper safari with me.
“Where are you going now?” asked Janet as she saw me leaving the house with my pellet rifle.
“On safari,” I answered.
“Oh, is that right? And where, pray tell, are you going on this safari?”
“In the pasture,” I said.
“Really,” she said. “May I ask what kind of exotic game are you after?”
“Sure,” I said. “I’m goin’ on a grasshopper safari.”
She just stared at me like she was looking through my eyes at the back of my skull.
“Did you say a grasshopper safari?” she finally said.
“Yeah. You want to come along?” She looked up for a second as if she was thinking about it.
“Normally,” she said, “I’d say no. But, this sounds like something that could be of use in court later. Plus, I must admit, you have my curiosity peaked.”
“Oh really?” I said. Then I raised and lowered my eyebrows a couple of times. “We could always go huntin’ later.”
“Oh, brother,” she said.
“Well, let’s go,” I said, and we headed off into the back yard.
I walked to the gate and I noticed Janet was not with me. I turned and saw her lookin’ down at the ground. “What is it?” I asked.
“Oh, nothing,” she replied. “I was just wondering why this grass is always dead in this one spot by the back porch.”
“Who knows,” I said. “Come on. The grasshoppers are waiting.”
After we went through the gate leading into the pasture, I turned and put my finger up to my lips. Then I did my impression of Elmer Fudd.
“Shhhhhh,” I said. “Be vewy vewy quiet. We awe hunting gwasshoppews.” Janet rolled her eyes.
I put the binoculars up to my face. “Ahh,” I ahhed. “I see a nice one. Not too big. Just right. The big ones are tough to chew you know.”
I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t need too. I could hear her eyes rolling.
“Do you want to shoot it?” I asked.
“No,” she stated. “You go ahead. I wouldn’t want to take away the thrill you must be feeling now.”
“Do you see him?” I asked.
“He’s right there, on that blade of grass.”
“Rusty. I hate to tell you, but there are a couple of billion blades of grass out there.”
“Right there,” I pointed. “See him?”
“Oh yeah,” she said. “Now I see him.”
“Watch this,” I said as I cocked my rifle and put in a pellet. I closed the rifle and put it up to my shoulder. I looked down the barrel and placed my sights on the doomed grasshopper. I clicked it off of safety and took a deep breath. Slowly, I let the breath out. As my sights settled on the grasshopper, I stopped breathing and squeezed the trigger.
“Clunk,” the rifle went as my pellets zoomed for its intended victim. The grasshopper disappeared. All that was left was the blade of grass wobbling.
“Alright!” I yelled, and then did a little victory dance. Then I looked at Janet. She had this look on her face that said something like, “I must be married to the biggest idiot on earth.”
“Hey,” I said to her. “I gave you a chance to shoot him, but, NOOOOO!”
She turned to walk back to the house.
“Hey,” I said. “Where are you goin’? It’s your turn.”
“I’ve got better things to do,” she said.
“Like what?” I questioned.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “I think I’ll go Google attorneys and see what pops up.”