I thought I’d let y’all read a few things that I have posted on Facebook lately.
This mornin’ I was in the kitchen standin’ by the pantry when Janet walked in.
“You finally decide to wake up?” I asked. She gave me “the look” and then got a questioned look on her face.
“What are you eating?” She asked.
“Oreos,” I answered.
“No, of course not. That would be dumb. These are a pre-breakfast snack,” I answered. She gave me another look.
“What can I say?” I smiled.”That’s how I roll.”
She scoffed and said, “If you keep eating like that, and all you’ll be able to do is roll. Idiot.”
A while ago I was in the kitchen makin’ me some dinner when Janet walked in from the gym.
“What are you making?” she asked.
“A baloney and cheese sandwich. Want one?”
“Uh, no,” she replied curtly. “Didn’t you have the same thing yesterday?”
“Don’t you every get tired of them.”
“I probably would, but I made this one different from the one I had yesterday.”
She furrowed her brow. “Do tell,” she said.
“Well, with this one I put the cheese on top of the baloney instead of on the bottom like I did yesterday.”
Her furrowed brow morphed into “the look” and then she sighed. “Forty-four years married to you and I’m still alive. I just can’t catch a break.”
“I’m hungry,” I said.
“You’re always hungry,” replied Janet never lookin’ from her book.
“There’s bound to be somethin’ in this house that I haven’t eaten yet.”
Still without lookin’ up, she grabbed the TV remote and tossed it over toward me. “Here, eat this.”
I stared at her until she looked up.
“What,” she asked.
“You forgot to call me an idiot,” I said sarcastically.
She sighed. “Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘It goes without saying’?” she asked.
“Of course,” I replied.
“Well then, there you go.”
“Feel my nose,” said Janet. “It’s cold.”
I reached up and grabbed her nose and it was pretty cold.
“Man! That is cold,” I said and then smiled. “Now turn around and wag that little tail for me.”
So, that little exchange didn’t go as well as I had hoped for.
I just got home from a weekend of jeepin’ and campin’.
I walked in the den where Janet was.
“I’m home!” I exclaimed and then I smiled. “Wanna check me for ticks?”
She gave me “the look” and said, “No way, José.”
I must have been gone longer than I thought. Blame woman can’t even remember my name.
I was sittin’ on a bench on the Strand in Galveston a little while ago while the rest of the family was in some clip-joint. I had an empty coffee cup in my hand because I was too lazy to get up and walk the 10 feet to the trash can. I was starin’ off in the distance, daydreamin’, when someone walked by and dropped a handful of change in my cup.
A minute later the family walked out and Janet says, “You ready to go?”
“Naw,” I replied as I shook my cup at her. “I’m doin’ pretty good right here.”
She looked in the cup and gave me her tilted head half-eyelid look and sighed, “We are just going to have to buy you some new clothes.”
I walked in the back door awhile ago and I heard a grindin’ and growlin’ sound comin’ from the kitchen. I walked in and found Janet messin’ with her new blender.
“What’cha tearin’ up?” I asked.
“I’m making a smoothie,” she replied. “It’s got pineapples, peaches, strawberries, chia seeds, spinach, yogurt, and almond milk in it. You want one?”
“Heck no,” I said. “What do I look like, a hippy?”
She gave me her head tiltin’ half-eyelid look. “It’s healthy,” she growled.
“Tell you what,” I said. “Throw in a couple of cans of potted meat and a Slim Jim or two and I’ll give it a try.”
She gave me “the look” and growled, “Idiot.”
My wife’s mood ring turns blue when she’s happy. When she’s not happy, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
“Hey! Look at this.” I said.
“What?” Janet asked.
“A Pinterest link just came up in my e-mail. It’s titled ‘How to dispose of a body’. Can you believe that?”
Janet looked up in thought for a few seconds.
“Hmmm,” she hummed. Then she looked back down at me and said, “Forward that to me, will you?”
I walked into the den shirtless, struck a pose, and said, “Check out these abs.”
Janet looked up from her book and peered at me over the top of her glasses.
“Lay down on your back,” she said. “Maybe gravity will pull all of that other stuff to the side so I can get a better look.”
I had my jeep jacked up in the shop workin’ on it when my son-in-law, daughter, and the grandkids pulled up in their truck. My seven year old granddaughter, Brynley, looked out the window and saw me in my undershirt.
She said to her folks, “Daddy Rusty is in a tank top. Sorry y’all had to see that.”
“Any New Year’s resolutions?” Janet asked me over a plate of black-eyed peas.
I thought for a minute. “Yeah,” I said. “I think I’ll become a nudist.” I smiled and looked at her. “You?”
With her head slightly tilted and lookin’ at me through half-closed eyelids, she replied, “I think I’ll become a widow.”
An E Harmony commercial came on a few minutes ago and the head dude asked, “Who is the one person waiting for you?”
I looked at Janet and asked, “I wonder who’s the one person who’s waitin’ for me?”
Janet’s eyes never left the TV. “The undertaker,” she replied.
Well, that’s it. Look me up on Facebook. Let’s be friends.